A funny zombie apocalypse
by gamer001
Summary: a story i quickly made to make some friends laugh and its very offensive also its not really mythology but no other category was better than this one.


**Disclaimer:** this story was meant to be a quick funny thing i did with my friends for a laugh so don't expect proper language or good grammar, also dont read it if your easily offended have fun :D.

it the zombie apocalypse and you are in it you have a basic survival bag which contains 1 days worth of water 7 days worth of food and attached to the bag is a one man tent, the weapons you have are a survival knife a 9 mm pistol but no bullets and a home made spear made form a branch that you sharpened the point with the are currently on the run from a horde of naked supermodel zombies you are running towards the forest in the distance ,you estimate that you could get there in 20 minuets of continually running but the zombie horde is gaining on you and you are running out of stamina...but at the moment you almost lost all hope an idea struck you, your in the middle of the city and there are tons of bunt buildings and half destroyed buildings, if you could get one to fall you could escape with relatively no harm, you run into a building and realize that was a terrible idea because there is another horde of zombies which is now trapping you in the building and when all hope was lost a magical moment happened your long time friend Bruce comes to your rescues... but he trips and is devoured by the zombies outside which gives you the chance you have been waiting for so you can escape from the zombies.

its been one week since the incident of you friend died a heroic death to save you not a day goes by when you don't think about him ... and laugh. your on the road and you have no water and only one days worth of food left and your on the verge of passing out but then in the dizziness and the blinding sun a woman appears gives you water but before you could drink it you pass out.

once you wake up you are in a trailer park you are very confused as to how you got here and surprised that you are still alive. as you got out of bed a man shows up and starts pissing on you, you wanted to hit him but you had no strength in your body so all you could do was sit there and take it like a bitch. the man finishes and says that your now one of us and then he opens the door and for as far as you could see was inbred hillbilly Americans.

from the shock of being pissed on and seeing all the inbred people you realized that the man that just pissed on you was... Obama. Obama was the leader of the inbred society and that made you want to leave but they had your weapons and items so you have no choice but to cooperate with them. Obama leads you out the door while your still covered in his piss, and he says to you that he has a job that he knows only you can do and that if you successfully complete it that he will give you a weeks worth of food and water 3 clips of 9 mm bullets and a medieval spear along with what ever you had before.

Obama says that all you have to do is find a suitable place for a new inbred society settlement, you agree with the mission and so you set out immediately. half an hour out in your search for a new settlement place you are confronted by a strange but oddly familiar man. the strange man says if you help him with a little... raid that he will split some of the booty, your are suspicious of the man and so you ask him what would you be raiding and in a reply he says... the inbred fuck wits that killed his dog, you are surprised that he said that but then you remember that the leader pissed on you and so in the instance you remember that you agree but then you say that you don't have any weapons so you might not be much help he says that he's got you covered and he pulls out a Tommy gun with a full clip of ammo and a full set of riot gear

on your way back to the inbred settlement the man who gave you the gun asks you if you are ready for the blood shed that your about to see and you tell him that you are. the plan is that you will sneak into the settlement because they know you and kidnap the leader Obama and then the man will come in during the commotion and kill everyone.

you sneak in and once you have got in you realize that you have made the worst mistake possible and that is to sneak in during a gay, butt, piss and shit orgy, you are taken back by the sight and then Obama comes up to you naked and covered in shit and piss and asks you to join in. you know you have to take him hostage but you don't want to be covered in shit but you know it has to be done and so the moment Obama has finished talking you duck behind him and rap your arm around his neck and yell as loud as you could that you want everything they got. everyone stops mid orgy and looks at you with blood hungry eyes but none of them move because they are afraid that you will shoot their leader.

it feels like forever since you took Obama as a hostage but in reality it has been only 5 minuets and you fell like vomiting from the smell of the shit and piss on Obama and you feel like you will faint on the thought that you have shit smeared all over your body but just as the moment you feel like your have passed out the suspicious man swoops in while dual wielding Tommy guns and is gunning everyone down and once he has killed everyone he walks up to you while your still hold Obama and shoots him in the face. you drop the now dead person and ask what your cut of the booty will be, the man answers you with what ever you want I don't want anything these inbred have so its all for your taking. you smile with that though and you go around gathering up all the items you need and more. the man comes up to you and hands you the agreed items and then walks out of the now dead settlement. you now have 1 months worth of food and water 3 clips for your 9 mm gun a spear full set of riot Armour and a silenced 308 rifle with 5 full clips of ammo. you are now set for your next journey.

you are walking around aimlessly trying to find a good place to settle, away from the zombies and away from any hostile people but its been very hard for you but you have not lost hope because before the outbreak you herd on the radio that there was a save haven on the cost at surfers paradise and your excited because your only 2 days out till you are at the city. on the way to the city you remember the good old days and you remember of how the outbreak happen, from memory the out break happen at the local McDonald and the source of the zombie plague was a chicken nugget that was developed by the CIA in America. the nugget when through various testing to make it the tastiest nugget in the world but someone stole it and injected it with aids but what the thief didn't know was that the aids he injected mutated with the testing liquids and made the zombie plague

you haven made it to the safe haven in the city but it wasn't easy to get to it because of the zombie infested streets of surfers paradise. just making it into the city was hard enough but now you have to get inside the settlement without dying. you come up with many different plans ranging from sneaking in to yelling out to let you in and even to burn the door down but you think that the best idea is to straight up go and say hi, you think its the best cause even if they do shoot at you your in full body armor so you could escape with relatively no you set the plan in action but just before you turn the corner so you can get to the gate you see another man walking up and you recognize who the man it is its Timmy your best friend from before the outbreak, you feel so relieved that you almost yelled out to your long lost friend but you knew that would cause a horde of zombies to you location. as you walk closer you stop because you see your friend negotiating with the leader of the but its not going to well. before you know it the leader pulls out a rocket launcher and shoot it at your friend, it happened so fast that Timmy couldn't react. Timmy now is a bloody mess of burning flesh, internal organs and broken bones. you stand there amazed as how much destruction there was from one rocket so amazed that you peed a little and you completely forgot your dead friend

you thought to yourself self that you best leave the introductions to tomorrow and so that night you had a wet dream about that rocket launcher. the next morning you walk up to the gate and yell out to the people inside and before you knew it there were 20 gun man and woman aiming guns at you, you have no choice but to put you hands up. the leader comes out and greats you with a warning shot of his 44 python hang gun and that's when it hit you the leader is rick from the walking dead but he's way more crazy and old. he tells you to leave or be killed, you say that you will do anything to be accepted into the settlement, ricks asks anything? you nod and he then turns around and wipers to his friends and after 10 minuets of whispering he turns back around and say that he will accept you if you work for the male strip club as a means for entertainment. you stand there for a few seconds contemplating weather you should do it or not but after your long hard though process you agree. rick opens the gate and welcomes you to the community.

As you enter the settlement you see hundreds of people you stand there in awe, you never thought that there would ever be this many people in one place ever again and not only that but there are children and elderly. With your mouth hanging low you are amazed but then your eyes pan across to the obvious male strip club and you face turns sour as you see all the customers are fat old lady's but then as you start to get depressed you see a glimmer of hope and that hope was... The rocket launcher. You peed a little bit when you saw it but you didn't care. Rick orders one of his men to show you around the settlement which is a lot smaller than you though it would be for all the people and then he stops at the male strip club and says with a creepy voice and a smile on his face this is where you'll be working ... See you soon hunny

You walk into the strip club and it turns silent as everyone stops what there doing and stares at you. You say that you'll be working here from now on. All the old fat lady's just start laughing at you and your fate. One of the male strippers comes over and says that he'll show you the ropes of what you need to know and what to do, when you go to shake his hand you get flashbacks of your friend Sam and then it hits you the person who just talked to you is Sam but he did not seem to recognize you at all which made you happy because you don't what anyone who you know to know that you now work as a male stripper. Sam go into detail of all the moves and positions that the customers like and he then tells you that since your new that the old lady's will many want to fuck just you so they can can a feel of what your like and as soon as he said that you start crying. Sam pats you on your back and says that it happened to all of the workers. Sam then tells you that it's break time so you better go talk to all of the other workers and befriend them because there the only friend you'll get because the strippers are basically prisoners

You walk into the break room and you notice a strange man in the back of the room and then you remember that the man in the back is the man who gave you the gun and riot Armour to kill Obama and his people. You greet the man and he greets you back you both stand there in silence for a few seconds and the the man breaks the silence and asks if your up to it if your willing to do a little extra work for him, you look at him then ask what type of work and what will you get out of it, the man answered with that there are a few people that he doesn't like and what's to get rid of if you know what he means and then he tells you that he could get you any thing that you want in this settlement. You think about the offer for a good few seconds and tell him that you want the rocket launcher, he laughed and agrees with the rocket launcher and then proceeds to write a list of 3 people's names and then gives you the list. As the man walks off you remember that you don't know anyone in the community and that your basically a Prisoner so your gonna have to do some Intel gathering and fins a way out of the strip club

as you talk to the other strippers you lead the conversation on the victims that your meant to kill and the male stripper says that the first person lives in the house across the road of the in the cream colour house. you thank him for the information, you look back down at the list to properly read and memorize the peoples names and then you realize all the peoples names are people you know, the first person is Bob the second person is Catherine and the last person is mikel bay the shitty movie maker. you stand there paralyzed as your having moral confliction as to weather kill the people you know and get the rocket launcher or not to kill them and stay a male stripper but you say to yourself fuck it I want that sexy rocket launcher and I want to have its babies.

Night falls and all the fat old lady's go home and the strip club closes, everyone is asleep but not you as you are waiting for the perfect time to find an escape route to go kill some people. You think that now is the best time to find your escape route, it the middle of the night but as it's the zombie apocalypse you know that there will definitely be some guards on look out so you have to be quite, stealthy like a ninja ... Like a better version of Naruto. You slowly open the door to the main section of the strip club and tip toe your way out to the front door, luckily the building use to be a apartment so all doors have a eye price to look through. When you look out you count 6 guards on the wall manning rifles and pistols. You also count 2 guards in the street, one on the other side of the road look down the road to the right and the other sitting in the middle of a t intersection. Both have machetes. You think that it might be a good idea to kill one and gather there gear as all of your gear was taken when you entered the settlement. You open the lock on the door as quietly as you could but then out of no where a bird fly into the door making a huge noise and causing the door to fall of its rusted hinges. The door falls to the ground and you stand there in you speedos look at all the guards that have turned to you and are pointing guns at you, the only thing you managed to say was did anyone want a lap dance

Surprisingly all the guard agree to your deal and all put down there weapons and walk over to you. You have no choice to go ahead with the lap dance but just before they all walk through the door the bird that flew into the door turned into a zombie because it killed itself by flying into the door and attacked the guard. It was biting them clawing them and bathing in there blood, you stood there unable to speak or move and just watched as 8 people died in front of you by a bird. Once everyone was dead the bird started to feast on there organs without a care in the world which gave you the perfect opportunity to sneak by it and grab all of there weapons which you ended up with 3 308 rifles 2 glocks 1 44 Python and 2 machetes. Your happy with all the gear you have found and proceed to walk over to the cream coloured house to kill Bob. As you walk to the door of the house you stop before opening the door and ponder to yourself as to weather or not you're forgotten something, you shake it off as being shock to see all those people die from the bird. You pull out one of the machetes and open the door, it creeks as you open it and you look around all you could see was pitch black and your without a light so you say fuck it I'll come back another day.

Morning breaks and you feel refreshed but that all fades as you hear a screen from a woman, you open the blinds to the window and look outside and when you do you see the woman who screamed is having you tits bitten off by two of the guards that were killed, the rest of the guards are roaming around and then you see the guard that was sitting in the t intersection runs straight into the cream coloured building and after a few seconds of silence you hear a guy scream at the top of his lungs which if you haven't heard before you would have mistaken it for a girls screen and you knew that was Bob and that he is dead, with that in mind you fall back to sleep instantly and have happy dreams. You wake once again in the middle of the day and you are curious as to why you have been allowed to sleep in so long and when you walk down stares to ask someone they reply with that the settlement is in lock down mode because a zombie bird got in and killed all the guards on duty and they have no idea as to where there weapons have gone, you ask how many people have been killed and who have been killed. The man replays with 24 have been killed and then he proceeds to list all the people who have been killed but the only one you took notice of was Kane's name you smile gleefully as you are one step closer to getting you hands on the rocket launcher.

you go back to your room to look out the window to see what's happening out side and you see full on investigation on how the zombie bird got in and you start to worry that your going to be caught but then you remember all of the guns that you have so if it comes down to it you could always kill all the guard's. you start to calm down and you walk down back to the main area in the stripclub and to your surprise everyone is doing there normal stripper jobs even though there are no customers. you walk over to the door that broke last night and peek out and you see rick and proceed to walk over to him to ask some questions, most were just to seem like you don't know anything and then you lead the conversation to the other to victims that you need to kill and rick answer with that they were away on a zombie extermination but if they weren't then they would have died. you can see rick is now evil eyeing you and that he ask you how did you know who they are and you reply with that you heard there names in the list and they sounded like they were important people. rick shrugs it off and tells you to go back to the strip club and to take it easy

as you walk back to the club you see the man who gave you the list is a dark corner and he nods to you and then holds up 2 fingers to signal that there are 2 more people to kill, you nod back and then the man holds up the rocket launcher and you jizzed in your pants just look at it and you are reminded to what you are fighting for and you walk back to the club with an evil grin and wet pants. you turn around just before you will through the door to a noise of the gates open and you see your two last targets and they look like heroes of the city because all the people cheer for them as if the murders never happened last night. you wait for night to fall again and you gave 1 pistol 1 machete and the 308 rifle with a scope on it. you sneak out into the streets and notice that there is no one. you walk in the middle of the street and look around for a house that looks like it would be the last 2 targets house and then you hear a noise that peeks your curiosity and you follow the noise, the noise leads you to a house in the back of the settlement and you look in the window and your mind just shatters at the sight. its your targets having sex in pig fat and bacon, you had to take another look to make sure that your sane and sadly you are and you didn't see wrong. you just sit there crying at the sight

It takes you a few minutes to completely calm down from the sight you just saw and all the noises you hear don't help you at all but once you did calm down you take out the 308 rifle and line the shot for mikel bay and since your no more than 8 meters away it's a perfect shot. You line it up and take the shot, when you pulled the trigger it felt that time when in slow motion and the bullet slowly moves to the targets head and then in a blink of an eye the target stops from the food sex with the second target and starts to fall to the cold hard ground dead. The body hits the ground and with the sound of the body you line up the second shot and pull the trigger but when you do nothing happens because the shell from the last bullet is stuck in the gun. You panic and frantically try to fix it before Catherine see you but she does and you throw the Jamed gun at her and proceed to pull out the pistol and take aim but she is to quick for you and is on top of you and the only thing you notice is that she is naked. She pull a pocket blade out of nowhere and then stabs it in your shoulder. You don't feel a think from the shock and adrenaline, you rifle out of her grip and run across the room and pull out the machete and ready it for a swing but you stop because Catherine recognizes you and calls you by your name.

You have flash backs of your highschool days and all of your friends and friendships, and of how many of those friend have died and how many you have killed, but then you are also reminded of what your fighting for and the fight is for that sexy and powerful rocket launcher. After that thought you run at the naked target and swing with full force which splits her head in 2 and still travels down to her chest. The dead body hits the floor and a thud and with that you fall to your knees thinking about all the time you can now spend with the rocket launcher and laugh to yourself. Mourning breaks and you wake up to a familiar face staring at you and that face is the mystery man and in his hands is the rocket launcher, as you look at it you jizzed your self again and the man laughs he then says that you have done well and that as far as he knows no one knows that you are the one to kill the people and that no one will know, then he points out the window. You slowly walk to the window and peek through it and all you can see are zombies eating people and people screaming as there getting eaten. The whole settlement is dead because of you the man says and what for a rocket launcher... This place could have been humanity's beast chance to start anew and you destroyed it. You turn around to face him and ask how did killing three people end the whole community, the man replied with who knows the writer of this story couldn't be fucked to write that much, you nod in acknowledgement and ask who is he. A few minutes go by and the man rips away his coat to reveal that it is your friend... Jim and then you ask why he is naked and he says that it adds plot to the story. Jim asks you was it worth it... Killing all those people for a rocket launcher, you reply with yes totally I will never regret a thing. THE END ... FOR NOW :D


End file.
